Today, I got to be a part of a Mommy Panel at MOPS. Each of us was asked to be part of the panel for a specific reason. We had a mom of all boys, a homeschool mom, a NICU mom of a preemie, a mom with a special needs child...and me, a foster & adoptive mom. In preparation for this panel, I was asked to come up with five points that I wanted others to know. The panel was done talk-show style, which was a lot of fun! However, due to the limitations of time, I wasn't able to get to everything on my list, so I thought it would make a great blog post! ;) So...here's 5 things I wish almost ever foster parent wishes you knew:
1. I am not a saint...and yes, you can do this! First of all, let me assure you, I am no candidate for sainthood...I'm just like everyone else. I do not possess any special abilities to love and let go or deal with the day-to-day drama that so often is part of the foster care adventure! There are days I feel like a complete failure...and a few days where I feel like "I got this!" Anyone who has a heart for foster children CAN be a foster parent if they have enough room in their homes for an extra child or two. I started out as a single foster parent (nope...you don't have to be married to do this) and I'm now partnering with my husband in our foster journey. When I was single, I worked full-time and now I'm a stay-at-home-mom. Yes, I have six kids in my home right now...but you can choose the number of kids that is right for you. Some foster parents only foster one child or sibling group at a time.
2. Yes, I do get attached and I do grieve when they leave my home. So many times, I hear the excuse that someone can't foster because they would get too attached. I have always said that the day I don't get attached is the day I'm done fostering. These kids NEED me to get attached! They need to know that they are loved and that they are important. Not only that, but even though I know they don't mean it this way, it leaves the impression that I don't get attached and don't grieve the loss of a child who has moved on. Let me assure you, as I said in my last blog post, I cry the BIG UGLY CRY every time a child leaves my home...whether I agree with the move or not! I look at my grief as a sacrifice to God, who called me to this! When I think about the love and lessons the children gain while they are in our home, it makes the grief totally worthwhile!
3. They are ALL my kids!!! So often, when someone learns that I'm a foster/adoptive mom, I'll be asked if I have any kids of my own. I know they are asking if I have any biological kids, but we don't use labels for our kids. The worst part is they will ask this question in front of my kids. I simply say, "Yes, they are ALL mine!" and smile. To me, it doesn't matter how long a child lives in my home or how God chose to place them there, every single child has a piece of my heart that they will carry with them forever (whether they realize that or not). I pray for them when God brings them to mind and I love them all forever!
4. We don't know how long they will be with us and we cannot share all the details of why they came into care. When we signed up to be foster parents, we signed a confidentiality agreement and we sign it each year as part of the re-licensing process. While I've often said that I don't have to watch soap operas because I'm living them, I can't always share the stories behind that statement with you. I can't give you the down and dirty of what all brought them into care or details about their parents, nor would I really want to. When a child is placed in foster care, the primary goal is to get the children back to their birth family. As a foster parent, I have to go into this rooting for the parents to get their children back. Sometimes a birth mom will allow me to mentor her and be a part of the process. Sometimes the process is relatively quick if the birth parent(s) are motivated enough and other times it can drag out for years. Sometimes children will move while the case is still active because a willing and fit relative has been located that is able to take care of them. Sometimes they are moved because an older sibling who had previously been in a shelter has found a foster home that can take all of the siblings together. Other times, they end up staying permanently (foster parents usually get "first right of refusal" when their foster child's goal is changing to adoption). But, there are no guarantees until reunification or adoption day!
5. You don't have to be a foster parent to make a difference in the lives of foster children! This is probably the least known fact of foster care! Some people just can't be a foster parent for various reasons. Maybe they already have several young kids and/or kids with special needs at home. Maybe they don't have the room in their home for an extra bed. Maybe they are at a stage in their life or career that would make fostering impossible. Fostering is not for everyone...yes, I said anyone can do it, but that doesn't necessarily mean everyone should do it! But even if fostering is not right for your family (at least not in the season you are currently in), that doesn't mean you can't make a difference! We are all called to care for the orphans...but that doesn't mean we have to parent them! Here are some other ways you can make a difference:
- Be a Guardian ad Litem (GAL) - these are volunteers who speak in court on behalf of the child. They have attorneys who also go to court & guide them through the legal aspect of the case, but it's the GAL volunteer that spends time with the child and makes a recommendation to the court for what they feel would be in the child's (or children's) best interest.
- Offer free babysitting - Fostering is a tough job! The offer of a night away for a date night or to do something fun is a welcome treat. Sometimes we need help with the kids while we attend court and meetings related to our foster children...or even to attend appointments for ourselves! My husband and I don't have a lot of family in town & none that are able to help with this task. Thankfully, we've had several friends who have stepped up and done this for us and I can tell you, it is such an amazing blessing to us!
- Provide a meal/Set up a Meal Train - If someone you know just got a new placement, offer to bring them a meal or set up a meal train for them, just as you would do if they just gave birth to a new baby. In a lot of ways, it is very much the same. There is an adjustment period as everyone gets acclimated to each other and not having to worry about what to serve for dinner would be one concern off the minds of the foster parents. And much as you would do the same when someone you know experiences a loss in the family, this can be an added blessing to a foster family that just had a child reunify with their birth family or move on for other reasons.
- Be an Honorary Aunt, Uncle, or Grandparent - As I mentioned above, we don't have family here, but we have precious friends who have stepped up and become honorary family members to our kids! They do things with and for our kids, as well as help us out from time to time! Think about what you would do for a niece, nephew, or grandchild...then ask if you can do that with your friend's kids...but please, include all kids (not just the ones labeled "foster") because they are all, at least for the time they live there, one family!
- Share Your Extra - Have clothes/shoes/baby items your kids have outgrown? Ask a foster family if they can use them or donate them to a foster care closet. Our church and our pediatrician both have designated rooms to take donations and these donations are given to foster families who need them. Diapers, Pull-ups, and wipes are a big need...so if you see some on sale & have the extra to purchase them, please do! If you are able, purchase gift cards to the grocery store, discount store (Walmart, Target, etc.), restaurants, and special activities/experiences (miniature golf, movies, zoo, children's museum, bowling, etc.) and either donate them to a foster closet or give them to a foster family you know. These are always welcome...because they enable us to do so much more for the kids in our care!
At the end of my time to share, I was asked what was the most unexpected blessing I have experienced as a foster/adoptive mom. Without hesitation, I knew that it was when one of my former foster children (who is now grown and a mother to six children of her own) found me on Facebook. We had an opportunity to get together shortly after that because we had a trip planned that would take us right through where she lives now. When I complemented her on how well behaved her children were, she said words that will stay with me forever...she said, "Everything I learned about being a mom, I learned from you!" Can I tell you that those words, spoken almost 4 years ago, still bless my heart to this day! She was FOUR years old when she came to me. She was SIX when she left my home. She was so young...I wasn't even sure she would remember me. Yet, she not only remembered me but the two years she spent in my home had a lasting impact on her life! I am so very thankful! <3
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