Hands Full...Heart Fuller

Probably the phrase I hear most when I'm out with the kids is, "Boy!  You sure have your hands full!"  Let's see...a fun-loving teenager, two busy five year olds, a four year old with impulse control issues, a 21 month old with special needs, and an active 8 month old.  Yep, I'm a busy momma that's for sure...and that doesn't even factor in the homeschooling, the taxi service I provide my kids, the church responsibilities, etc.  What's really funny is when someone says this phrase when I've only got 3 kids with me (usually the younger 3) and I just smile and say, "Nah...this is just half of them!" and watch their mouths drop open!  Bwahahahaha! 

But to be honest, there are days when my hands do feel a little too full, even for me.  There are days when six kids can be overwhelming.  When I haven't had a chance to attend Bible study for three weeks in a row because yet another child is sick...shoot, even when I just want to go to the bathroom alone for once!  I had it good when my oldest was an only...I just didn't know it!  From the time he was little, if  he respected my privacy.  I don't know how we instilled that in him, but it was great!  To this day, he won't enter a room if there's any chance I'm anything less than fully clothed!  The other five, not so much!  The four and five year olds will bring snacks and try to have a full-on conversation while I'm in the bathroom...that is, until I shoo them out and remind them that the bathroom is NOT an place for food for goodness sake! 

But as full as my hands are these days, my heart is that much fuller!  While there are days when I just want to get away by myself, I can't for even a moment consider life without these blessings that God has placed in our home...for however long He has given them to us!  I wouldn't want to because for all the work they cause, the blessings of having them in our family is that much greater!  Every morning, I get the best wake-up hugs anyone could ever ask for!  My little kids call my name and run to me like fans to a celebrity!  Tiny little hands caress my face and sweet little voices tell me, "I love you, Momma!"  Precious little bodies that were running wild a few minutes earlier snuggle up tight to me when they are tired.  Sharing inside jokes with my teenager and watching him love on the littles when they aren't into his stuff or aggravating him to death!  All of these are moments when my hands don't feel quite so full because my heart is oh so much fuller!

And someday...someday my hands will be less full.  And because of my oldest, I know that day will come all too soon!  I have less than a handful of years with him left.  All too soon, he will be considered an adult and making his own way in this life.  When that happens, my five year olds will be almost in double digits, my four year old right behind them...and the babies, well they won't be babies anymore.  There might be other babies in our home then...but these babies that we have in our home now, if they become permanent members of our family, will be almost school-age and certainly more independent of me than they are now!  It's weird to think of my life in that time...and even weirder to think how close that day is!  But the thing about that day when my hands become less full than they are now is that my heart will never be any less full than it is right now!  And I couldn't ask for anything better!

We Are Not Promised Tomorrow

Probably the biggest opposition I hear to foster care is that they could never let the children go because they would get too attached.  And it's true, the hardest part of foster care is getting attached to these sweet kids with the knowledge that someday, if the system works the way it should, they will leave.  But, as I consider the school shootings that are becoming common-place these days, I realize children who have been born or adopted into our families are no more promised tomorrow than foster children. 

I have no one leaving my home now.  In fact, I now have four of my six children that I consider "permanent."  Last night, I attended an event for our licensing agency and one of the board members saw me come in with my double stroller and three active preschoolers circling me and asked if they were all mine.  I'm sure we looked like the circus had rolled into town!  Now, my usual response to this question is a simple "yes" because I do see them as all mine.  But, given the nature of the event I was attending, I qualified that with, "Yes, but some are permanent, and some are not."  I think she understood what I was saying, at least I hope so. 

While it is possible that either of my foster children could leave my home at any time, I don't focus on that in the day to day any more than I do with my adopted children.  Because, quite honestly, any one of them could be taken from me at any moment as well.  My thirteen year old son attends a homeschool co-op for some of his classes.  My five year old son attends a public charter school.  My five year old daughter (four months younger than my son which put her a school year behind) attends a private preschool.  All of my children attend church with us, but in different classes.  Just like the families that sent their children off to school one morning and that afternoon were unexpectedly planning their funerals the following day...or the countless parents who unexpectedly receive a fatal diagnosis from their child's doctor...or any number of other catastrophic things that could happen, I am not promised tomorrow with any of my children.  I can do all I can to protect them...but I have no guarantee that any of them will be with me tomorrow.

So, why not take a chance to love a child who could leave?  Why not answer the call to love on hurting babies, toddlers, children, and/or teens who need you?  I'm not gonna say it's easy because it's not.  Taking these children into your home disrupts your regular routine, affects the way people see you, and catapults you out of your comfort zone like nobody's business!  But, seeing these kids bond to you and your family, learning to trust where trust had been broken, realizing that for the time they are in your home, these kids (and their parents, if they are willing) can discover what a loving family looks like...possibly breaking a cycle of abuse and/or neglect that goes back more generations than anyone can count...that's what makes this whole thing called foster care worthwhile!  That's not to say everyone can be a foster parent...there are circumstances and family situations that make that impossible...but for the vast majority of us, it is a possibility!  All you need to do is to open your heart and risk it getting hurt.  It doesn't have to be forever...it could be just for a season.  And you don't have to have six kids in your home, either!  You can foster just one child at a time if that's what works best for your family!  Becoming a foster parent won't change the world...but for the child or children in your home, you could change their whole world! 

Book Covers Don't Always Tell The Story

It's been said that you shouldn't judge a book by its cover or you could just miss out on an amazing story!  The same could be said for foster children!  Last night, a desperate plea went out to all licensed foster homes looking for a placement for a young teenage girl who was being released from a mental institution after being "baker acted" - a scary thought for even the bravest of foster parents!  There's such a stigma attached to those who receive psychiatric and/or counseling services (whether they do that willingly or are forced into it due to some sort of intervention).  No one thinks twice about someone with a heart condition going to see cardiologist or a cancer patient going to an oncologist.  These are expected, and even encouraged!  But, if someone mentions that they are depressed or having irrational thoughts, they are told to just get over it.  You'd never tell someone suffering a heart attack to stop being so dramatic or a cancer patient to just think well thoughts.  You'd tell them to seek out medical professionals that could actually help them...and you would rally around them to help in any way you could! 

On the other hand, if someone is actually brave enough not only to admit that they are experiencing  depression or irrational thoughts, but actually seek medical intervention to help them, they are told they are crazy and people back off...which is why so many people who actually need help fight against it!  The thought of someone having a mental disorder makes us all take pause...yes, even me.  My response to the the text last night was that we had no bed space and I felt an immediate sense of relief...and guilt, as I sent that message!  It was true that we didn't have a permanent bed for this young girl, but we did have a pull-out sofa that would have sufficed for a night or two until they could get her settled somewhere more permanent.  Last May, when we had the same number of children in our home as we currently have, we made make-shift bed space for three consecutive nights for a couple of brothers who were waiting on a permanent foster home to be licensed.  As soon as my reply text was sent last night, those brothers came to mind and I was ashamed that I had so quickly written off this young girl.  I asked no questions about why she was there or if she would possibly be a danger to any of the children currently in my home.  I just assumed she could be.  See, folks...I am NOT a saint!  I am just like every other mother who loves her kids and wants to protect them! 

Through a curious turn of events, I actually got a chance to meet this young girl today...and immediately realized how wrong I was to write her off so quickly!  While I don't know her whole story (and probably never will), I do know that what I saw today was a beautiful, kind, precious child of God who really needed someone to love on her!  I asked her name and when she told me, it was a beautiful and unusual name...the kind that should be in a song!  When I commented on the beauty of her name, her lips cautiously curved upward...wanting to smile, but almost as if they were afraid to do so.  Her dark eyes revealed a pain I will never know and never understand...yet, my simple compliment brought a brief sparkle to them.  Had you met her at church or in a store, "crazy" would never cross your mind...and I was instantly ashamed to admit to myself that it had indeed crossed mine the night before.  She was so kind and gentle with my children & spoke to me with respect...a little shy, but still engaged.  I desperately wanted to reach out and hug her, but restrained myself for fear of crossing some unknown boundary and causing her to feel uncomfortable. 

That's the thing with foster children.  They often get labeled with scary titles before you even get a chance to know the story behind those titles.  Sure...there are some kids who are dangerous...usually the result of years of torture and neglect, but I have learned that they are not the majority.  Most of these kids have seen and lived things we could never understand...but in almost every single one of them, there's a frightened little boy or girl buried deep inside just begging you to find them & love on them!

Five Things to Know

Today, I got to be a part of a Mommy Panel at MOPS.  Each of us was asked to be part of the panel for a specific reason.  We had a mom of all boys, a homeschool mom, a NICU mom of a preemie, a mom with a special needs child...and me, a foster & adoptive mom.  In preparation for this panel, I was asked to come up with five points that I wanted others to know.  The panel was done talk-show style, which was a lot of fun!  However, due to the limitations of time, I wasn't able to get to everything on my list, so I thought it would make a great blog post!  ;)  So...here's 5 things I wish almost ever foster parent wishes you knew:


1.  I am not a saint...and yes, you can do this!  First of all, let me assure you, I am no candidate for sainthood...I'm just like everyone else.  I do not possess any special abilities to love and let go or deal with the day-to-day drama that so often is part of the foster care adventure!  There are days I feel like a complete failure...and a few days where I feel like "I got this!"  Anyone who has a heart for foster children CAN be a foster parent if they have enough room in their homes for an extra child or two.  I started out as a single foster parent (nope...you don't have to be married to do this) and I'm now partnering with my husband in our foster journey.  When I was single, I worked full-time and now I'm a stay-at-home-mom.  Yes, I have six kids in my home right now...but you can choose the number of kids that is right for you.  Some foster parents only foster one child or sibling group at a time.

2.  Yes, I do get attached and I do grieve when they leave my home. So many times, I hear the excuse that someone can't foster because they would get too attached.  I have always said that the day I don't get attached is the day I'm done fostering.  These kids NEED me to get attached!  They need to know that they are loved and that they are important.   Not only that, but even though I know they don't mean it this way, it leaves the impression that I don't get attached and don't grieve the loss of a child who has moved on.  Let me assure you, as I said in my last blog post, I cry the BIG UGLY CRY every time a child leaves my home...whether I agree with the move or not!  I look at my grief as a sacrifice to God, who called me to this!  When I think about the love and lessons the children gain while they are in our home, it makes the grief totally worthwhile!

3.  They are ALL my kids!!!  So often, when someone learns that I'm a foster/adoptive mom, I'll be asked if I have any kids of my own.  I know they are asking if I have any biological kids, but we don't use labels for our kids.  The worst part is they will ask this question in front of my kids.  I simply say, "Yes, they are ALL mine!" and smile.  To me, it doesn't matter how long a child lives in my home or how God chose to place them there, every single child has a piece of my heart that they will carry with them forever (whether they realize that or not).  I pray for them when God brings them to mind and I love them all forever!

4.  We don't know how long they will be with us and we cannot share all the details of why they came into care.  When we signed up to be foster parents, we signed a confidentiality agreement and we sign it each year as part of the re-licensing process.  While I've often said that I don't have to watch soap operas because I'm living them, I can't always share the stories behind that statement with you.  I can't give you the down and dirty of what all brought them into care or details about their parents, nor would I really want to.  When a child is placed in foster care, the primary goal is to get the children back to their birth family.  As a foster parent, I have to go into this rooting for the parents to get their children back.  Sometimes a birth mom will allow me to mentor her and be a part of the process.  Sometimes the process is relatively quick if the birth parent(s) are motivated enough and other times it can drag out for years.  Sometimes children will move while the case is still active because a willing and fit relative has been located that is able to take care of them.  Sometimes they are moved because an older sibling who had previously been in a shelter has found a foster home that can take all of the siblings together.  Other times, they end up staying permanently (foster parents usually get "first right of refusal" when their foster child's goal is changing to adoption).  But, there are no guarantees until reunification or adoption day!

5.  You don't have to be a foster parent to make a difference in the lives of foster children!  This is probably the least known fact of foster care!  Some people just can't be a foster parent for various reasons.  Maybe they already have several young kids and/or kids with special needs at home.  Maybe they don't have the room in their home for an extra bed.  Maybe they are at a stage in their life or career that would make fostering impossible.  Fostering is not for everyone...yes, I said anyone can do it, but that doesn't necessarily mean everyone should do it!  But even if fostering is not right for your family (at least not in the season you are currently in), that doesn't mean you can't make a difference!  We are all called to care for the orphans...but that doesn't mean we have to parent them!  Here are some other ways you can make a difference:

• Be a Guardian ad Litem (GAL) - these are volunteers who speak in court on behalf of the child.  They have attorneys who also go to court & guide them through the legal aspect of the case, but it's the GAL volunteer that spends time with the child and makes a recommendation to the court for what they feel would be in the child's (or children's) best interest.
• Offer free babysitting - Fostering is a tough job!  The offer of a night away for a date night or to do something fun is a welcome treat.  Sometimes we need help with the kids while we attend court and meetings related to our foster children...or even to attend appointments for ourselves!  My husband and I don't have a lot of family in town & none that are able to help with this task.  Thankfully, we've had several friends who have stepped up and done this for us and I can tell you, it is such an amazing blessing to us!
• Provide a meal/Set up a Meal Train - If someone you know just got a new placement, offer to bring them a meal or set up a meal train for them, just as you would do if they just gave birth to a new baby.  In a lot of ways, it is very much the same.  There is an adjustment period as everyone gets acclimated to each other and not having to worry about what to serve for dinner would be one concern off the minds of the foster parents.  And much as you would do the same when someone you know experiences a loss in the family, this can be an added blessing to a foster family that just had a child reunify with their birth family or move on for other reasons.
• Be an Honorary Aunt, Uncle, or Grandparent - As I mentioned above, we don't have family here, but we have precious friends who have stepped up and become honorary family members to our kids!  They do things with and for our kids, as well as help us out from time to time!  Think about what you would do for a niece, nephew, or grandchild...then ask if you can do that with your friend's kids...but please, include all kids (not just the ones labeled "foster") because they are all, at least for the time they live there, one family!
• Share Your Extra -  Have clothes/shoes/baby items your kids have outgrown?  Ask a foster family if they can use them or donate them to a foster care closet.  Our church and our pediatrician both have designated rooms to take donations and these donations are given to foster families who need them.  Diapers, Pull-ups, and wipes are a big need...so if you see some on sale & have the extra to purchase them, please do!  If you are able, purchase gift cards to the grocery store, discount store (Walmart, Target, etc.), restaurants, and special activities/experiences (miniature golf,  movies, zoo, children's museum, bowling, etc.) and either donate them to a foster closet or give them to a foster family you know.  These are always welcome...because they enable us to do so much more for the kids in our care!  

At the end of my time to share, I was asked what was the most unexpected blessing I have experienced as a foster/adoptive mom.  Without hesitation, I knew that it was when one of my former foster children (who is now grown and a mother to six children of her own) found me on Facebook.  We had an opportunity to get together shortly after that because we had a trip planned that would take us right through where she lives now.  When I complemented her on how well behaved her children were, she said words that will stay with me forever...she said, "Everything I learned about being a mom, I learned from you!"  Can I tell you that those words, spoken almost 4 years ago, still bless my heart to this day!  She was FOUR years old when she came to me.  She was SIX when she left my home.  She was so young...I wasn't even sure she would remember me.  Yet, she not only remembered me but the two years she spent in my home had a lasting impact on her life!  I am so very thankful!  <3