Giving Thanks

Today is Thanksgiving...a national holiday set aside to remember to be thankful.  Many businesses are closed, many families that maybe haven't seen each other all year are gathering together and spending time together.  When I was a little girl, Thanksgiving was the time I could count on seeing extended family that I didn't get to see as often as I would like.  Usually on the Saturday after Thanksgiving, we would all gather at Uncle Harold & Aunt Ann's house with all the extended family on my maternal grandmother's side (Harold is my grandmother's brother) for a feast and fun!  Each family brought a dish (or a few) to share and soon a prayer would be said over the meal and a line would form to fill our plates with all the southern hospitality goodness that lined the kitchen counters and the extra table set up to hold the abundance of desserts.  There were even two kinds of dressing...one with and one without onions - both equally good (I may or may not have taken a little of both on one or more occasions...you know, just to know which is better. wink. wink).  After our bellies were as stuffed full and round, we gathered together and someone always had a fun game to play.  Before long, the Iron Bowl was turned on and while it was mostly the men watching while the ladies cleaned up, us grandchildren (mostly girls at the time) always seemed to find a way into the arms of an uncle, dad, or grandfather and watched Alabama and Auburn fight it out on the football field.  Precious memories!

Now that I live in Florida and have a multitude of children (ok...it's usually only 5 or 6 at a time, but sometimes it feels like a multitude!), gathering for Thanksgiving isn't as easy as it was when everyone lived no more than a 2 hour drive away from each other.  Those that are still up there still gather together, though now on Thanksgiving Day, and we join in when we can.  Usually we have Thanksgiving at home because David's mom is not able to travel far now and we are the only family she has here.  David usually picks up his mom and brings her to our home for the Thanksgiving meal and then I take her home before starting my Black Friday shopping.  Yep...I admit it.  I'm a Black Friday shopper!  That has it's own precious memory for me.  I remember when I was younger, stores started opening at midnight on Black Friday.  I remember my grandmother, aunt, mom, and me standing outside of Walmart, waiting for them to open and getting such a thrill out of being out that late!  Even today, as I head out to do my Black Friday shopping, I remember those sweet memories of us "Till girls" going out together!

But sweet memories and shopping aside, I really want to focus on what I am thankful for this year.  Because there is so much!  This year has had it's ups and downs...and I believe that it has been a great example of Romans 8:28...because even though everything that happened hasn't been great, it has all worked out for good (or is being worked out for good)!  This morning, as I got in the shower, the song "Give Thanks" was playing in my head.  Perhaps because my preschooler & kindergartner had sung that song in church this past weekend with their choir, and maybe because today is Thanksgiving, but for whatever reason, it was there.  I checked my songs list on my phone but it wasn't there, so I found it on YouTube.  If you listen to songs or watch videos on YouTube, you know that as soon as one finishes, another starts playing automatically.  The next song on the list was "God Will Make A Way" and immediately I was transported back in time two years.

Two Thanksgivings ago, we had an empty seat at our table.  Our sweet Princess L had left us the day before.  Despite her Case Manager and Guardian ad Litem expressing concerns, the judge decided she should be reunited with her biological mother.  Princess L was our first placement had had been with us more than half of her life.  On that Thanksgiving, I wasn't sure I would ever see her again.  I had a pretty good relationship with her mother...but I still wasn't sure she would follow through on staying in touch.  However, just a little more than 3 months later, we got a few phone calls letting us know that Princess L was coming back into the system.  We had six kids in our home at that time.  We had taken in 2 year old twins who were waiting to go to a grandmother in Texas (one of whom is autistic) and our newly adopted son (who had also been our foster son) had a new baby sister that had joined our family just five days before.  I clearly remember the placement coordinator telling me on the phone that no one wanted to place Princess L anywhere other than our home and me telling her that I didn't want her to go anywhere else!  And so, another waiver was given and we were suddenly a family of nine!

A family friend in a nearby county eventually took the twins and will soon finalize their adoption in to their family.  Their soon-to-be adoptive mom and I are now Facebook friends and I get to watch them grow up as a result.  They are right where they need to be!  About three months after Princess L re-joined our family, we learned that family of the baby's father wanted to adopt her and that they had arranged a private adoption (therefore taking her out of the foster care system).  At the time, that was a very difficult time...one that almost ended my desire to continue fostering.  But over the last year and a half, I've enjoyed a relationship with that adoptive mom through text messages and phone calls.  They live in a different state, but that adoptive mom has most of her family here where we live.  This week, they are here to celebrate Thanksgiving and I was able to see the sweet baby that we'd dubbed "Sissy" again...only she's not such a baby anymore!  She's a very independent toddler!  As I watched her interact with her sister (whom she calls Sissy) and our kids, I realized that she is also exactly where she needs to be.  Her mom and I strengthened our friendship as we sat and chatted together like there had never been a stressful day between us.    For these girls and their adoptive families, I am so very thankful.  I'm thankful to have been a stopping point on their journey from their birth families to their adoptive families.  I'm thankful that I still get to have a small part in their lives.  I'm thankful that my family has expanded to include the ones they were adopted into!

So...what of Princess L, you may ask.  Well, that's another thing I am very thankful for this Thanksgiving!  Because even though it seemed like there was no way she would be part of our family two years ago, God did make a way.  And we are currently waiting on our own court date to finalize her adoption and make her permanently part of our family (hopefully before Christmas)!  We still have a good relationship with her birth mom, her siblings, and the paternal grandparents of her brothers.  In fact, just last weekend, after my "twinkies" (as I call my JJ & Princess L because they are only 4 months apart in age but have always acted like twins) sang in church, we went out to lunch with Princess L's 5 siblings, her birth mom, and the boys' paternal grandparents to celebrate Princess L's birthday.  And so, I am thankful that not only will Princess L be a permanent part of our family, but she will never have to worry about loving both her birth mom and me.  God has given me a unique vision due to my own childhood to realize that I cannot erase the memories of her birth family...nor would I want to.  They are every bit as much a part of who she is as our family is. 

There have been many things to be thankful for this year.  We had a brother and sister successfully reunited with their mother at the beginning of the year and are doing very well together!  This mom took the things she learned through foster parenting and through me mentoring her and has applied them to her life.  This is how foster care is supposed to work.  Parents learn from their mistakes and do better...and when this happens, the family can be put back together better than it was before!

We also survived Hurricane Irma with little damage to our homes.  Some personal growth came for me during that storm, as well.  I had my first ever panic attack before we left because there was so much I couldn't take with me and was afraid would not be here when I returned...things that could not be replaced because their sentimental value was so much greater than their financial value!  But through this storm, my perspective on so many things changed.  Not only do I look at material things differently, but I also learned to say the hard things.  I'm too much of a people pleaser...trying to make everyone happy.  But often, that can cause more hurt feelings than just being honest.  And so, one of my goals for 2018 is to be more honest...not brutally honest, because I still don't want to hurt anyone, but to stop being so afraid to say something because the other person might possibly be offended!  ;)

As I wrap this blog up, so many wonderful things are running through my mind.  So many things I'm thankful for that would take way too long to post.  Things you probably don't have any interest in anyway.  But let me just say that I  am so thankful for my family...both the one I was born into and those who have been added through marriage, adoption, foster care, and friendships!  I pray this Thanksgiving finds you looking for things to be thankful for, even if there are things in your life right now that are hard.  We can always find problems if we look hard enough...and we can become bitter by dwelling on those problems.  But THANKFULLY, we can also find blessings if we look hard enough...and that will lead to a thankful heart!

The Evil Queen Wasn't Always Evil

Some weeks ago, a friend talked me into watching the TV show Once Upon A Time...but watching it from the beginning.  It just so happens that Netflix has six seasons of said show, and so I went back to Season 1 and began binge watching this show that takes characters from familiar childhood tales and plants them in a semi-real world as average people, while also giving a bit of the back story to how they came to be who they were in the stories we know so well and how they ended up in a small town called Storybrooke.  There was just something about these storybook characters being cast as average people that drew me in.

Why am I writing about this, you may wonder.  Well, I'll tell you.  As each episode unfolds, I am starting to realize there's a little bit of Storybrook in all of us!  There's a bit of Snow White in every elementary school teacher, a touch of Jiminy Cricket in every counselor, and maybe even a dose of the Evil Queen in every politician.  Then, as Season 1 came to a close, a back story for the Evil Queen revealed a time when she wasn't evil at all.  She had a kind heart, much like Snow White.  So, what happened?  How did she become evil and why did she hate Snow White so much?  Turns out it had very little to do with Snow's beauty and more to do with a secret she innocently let slip which lead to her soon-to-be step-mother's broken heart.  The pain of what transpired eventually allowed an evil to set in and made the Evil Queen the character we all know in the fairy tale.  In the event you haven't watched the show yet and want to, I won't ruin it with specifics here.  ;)

After all, my point in writing this is not to give a review of a six year old TV episode.  It's more about character and perceptions...and the back stories that lead up to the very perceptions of character we hold of different individuals in the foster care system.  As someone looking into the foster care system from the outside (or even from the inside for that matter), you might perceive foster parents as "good" and bio parents whose actions resulted in their children ending up in foster care (and sometimes the foster kids themselves) as "bad" or "evil" - but it's just not that simple.  We all have a story...and we all have choices to make.

Our pediatrician often says, "But by the grace of God, there go I."  What she means by this is as horrible as the stories of these kids can get, and as hard as it is for us to understand why a parent would do this or that...it is only by the grace of God that we are not standing in their shoes and living their lives.  We can never really judge a person's actions without fully knowing their heart.  Only God can do that.  It is not my place as a foster parent to judge the actions of others...my role as a foster parent is to love on the child, try to mentor the parent to do better (if they are willing), and share my experiences with the child and his/her birth parents to those charged with reporting to court on how the case is progressing.  Whenever a new child is placed in my home, my first conversation with their parents is to assure them that I'm not trying to take their child away from them.  I just want to love on their child and help them work on their case plan.  Sometimes, the parents take me up on this...but sometimes they fight it.  Those that fight it often have spent their life fighting.  Many times, they were once foster children or spent their childhood in and out of the foster care system...and all they know is to fight. 

But this applies to everyone...not just those involved in foster care.  Hurts of the past...or even current hurts can cloud our judgement.  Nothing is ever black and white.  We see things through the filter of our past hurts and emotions...and sometimes those past hurts cause us to react in ways we otherwise might not.  Going back to the Snow White scenario above, there's an episode that reveals that after Regina (a.k.a. the Evil Queen) does something deceptive, her mother tells her, "You're learning!" Shortly after that, her mother makes the comment "I'm so proud of you." and that comment gives Regina pause...almost as if that is the first time she's ever heard that phrase.  And that's the moment, I believe, when the evil begins to take hold.  Often times, a parent's words can have a profound affect on who we become!

So...what is my point in writing this?  I guess just as a reminder to myself and anyone who might be reading this not to take things at face value.  An unkind word from a friend may not really be directed at you, but rather comes from having been beaten down by someone or something in their life. An ugly post on social media might come from an unintentional hurt that was kept secret and allowed to fester until a following transgression became much bigger of a deal than it should have been.  More importantly, no one is all good or all bad.  We all make mistakes.  We all say things we shouldn't have said.  We all do things we wish we could have done differently.  So...when you consider foster care and you think of the parents or the teenagers who seem so "bad" - remember, there's something in their past that is causing them to act the way they are...or maybe a current addiction that stems from something in their past.  No one starts out thinking they will be a drug addict or child abuser.  No mother looks at her newborn in the hospital and says, "One day you'll be a foster kid."  They don't plan to do the wrong thing...but circumstances of their life led them to that.  Maybe that mom in the hospital has an emotionally abusive husband/boyfriend at home and those drugs she's been taking are the only way she knows how to cope.  Maybe that dad who does unthinkable things to his child had those same things done to him as a little boy and it never got reported.  Maybe they've fought against these deamons but don't know how to get out from under them and are afraid to ask for help.  They are no better or worse than we are...they just need help.  So, let's help them.  Let's show them a little Grace from our Heavenly Father (maybe introduce them to Him).  Let's love on their kids and help break the cycle.  Let's be the catalyst that stops evil from taking root in the next generation! 

Unexpected Shower of Blessings

Being a foster parent is sometimes a hard gig.  Your family is not the norm in any shape or form (look at that...I was a poet & didn't know it!  LOL!)  You never know when your family dynamics will change and how those changes will affect the people you love and care for. You often have to stop and think when people ask you how many kids you have (and sometimes you say the wrong number because someone just left or just arrived).  You wonder if some people are distancing themselves from you because you are fostering & for some reason they don't want to be involved in that part of your life, because something you've said or done has offended them (but for the life of you, you can't imagine what), or just because they are busy (which is probably the case, but you're often more likely to come to the conclusion that it's one of the first two reasons).  Your heart breaks when the kids come (because of what they experienced that brought them to you) and when they leave (because a piece of your heart goes with them).  Your calendar is filled with court dates that are often disappointing, visits with various professionals tied to your foster child's case that can sometimes be demanding, and bio family visits that sometimes bring frustrating behaviors in their wake.  And the only people who really understand what you are going through are other foster parents who have been or are currently in the trenches with you!  And sometimes, you just wonder if anyone really cares at all, but then God places people in your path at just the right time to remind you of how blessed you are!

And let me just tell you...I've got some great friends who REALLY blessed my socks off last night when they gave me a surprise foster parent blessing shower!  I showed up for what I thought was our usual Thursday night prayer group and was led out to the back yard of my dear friend Ginny's house to a beautiful garden spread and several waiting friends.  Tears welled up in my eyes as it began to dawn on me what was going on!  These precious women cared enough about me and this calling God has given our family to bless me beyond measure with a shower of blessings!  They had two big baskets of goodies prepared...one with necessities the children entering our home might need (toothpaste, toothbrushes, socks, tissues, bath supplies, etc.) and one filled with stuffed animals that I could send with the children leaving my home, along with a favorite scripture around its neck.  There was a fun game where we guessed the prices of certain items that are always common in my home (sippy cups, tissues, bandaids, etc.)...and then those items were added to the other gift blessings coming home with me!  But the thing that meant even more to me than the material items given was the genuine friendship of each of these precious ladies and the love they showed me that night!  Ginny wrote a heartfelt message that she shared with the group toward the end of our evening and I had a hard time holding back the tears from the sweet words she spoke over me, descriptions of what she sees in me that I do not often see in myself, but am thankful others do!  And I will treasure those sweet words she wrote forever!  I am so very thankful for her friendship and the friendship of each woman who took time out of their busy schedules to be there (and still amazed they would do that for me)!  Most importantly, I'm thankful for my Heavenly Father, Who knew I would need this blessing shower on that particular day (after a very disappointing day in court) and planted the idea in my sweet friend Ginny's heart even before either of us knew how much I would need it...and for her willingness to follow His leading!

If you are reading this and you know someone who is a foster parent, please do something to bless them today or in the near future!  Offer to watch their kids so they can get out for a date night or attend court and/or staffings.  Bring them a meal when they have a new arrival or when a long-time placement leaves.  Offer to tutor a struggling student and/or share your talent with a child who might be interested in learning that particular skill.  Send them a gift card to local discount stores, grocery store, and/or restaurants to help offset the expenses of purchasing items for a new placement and extra mouths to feed when they are able to go out to eat (or maybe to use on those rare date nights).  Send them a card or letter sharing something positive you see in them and/or their family.  Spend time with them.  Send them out to do something fun with the kids while you clean their home or do their laundry.  Let them know you are praying for them...or better yet, pray over them!  If they have children that are not fosters, offer to do special things for them because those kids often get left out when organizations do things for the foster children. Most of these are things that people have done for my family at one time or another that have been a blessing to us and I'm sure would bless any foster parent you know!  We foster parents won't often ask for these things, but they are always much appreciated when they are freely given!  <3

A New Perspective

A year ago today, we picked up a 2 day old foster child from the hospital, the baby sister of our youngest son.  Though she was "just a foster child" (as we were constantly reminded), that's not how we felt about her.  Honestly, not a child enters our home that we consider "just a foster child" - whether they stay with us for 2 days, 2 years, or forever!  From the moment they enter our home, they are ours...100% ours.  But still, this child was different.  Because of the past history of the birth mom, we had reason to believe that she could possibly become ours.  It wasn't her real name, but we dubbed her "Sissy" at our house because she was the baby sister of our then 2 year old son.

But, our plans were not God's plan and just 3 short months later, the bio parents arranged a private adoption with a family member and she was taken from us.  We tried to fight it - it's the only time we've fought in court to keep a child...and we did it for our son, but we lost.  She now resides in another state and turned a year old two days ago.  Promises made in court to keep her in touch with her siblings have so far gone unfulfilled & I don't know if they ever will be.

She will never remember us...but we will never forget her.  Though it's not nearly as frequent as it once was, her brother still asks for her.  So does my 4 year old who has no biological connection to her.  So does my heart.  She will always have a special place in our hearts, no matter where she is or how old she gets.

I had not planned to blog about this.  I remembered her two days ago on her first birthday and silently wished her a happy one, but mentioned it only to God, asking Him to protect her and guide her to be who He wants her to be.  I'm sure He will...it's why she had to leave our arms and go to another home.  But today, as her picture popped up in my Facebook memories, I got to thinking...or rather, God started speaking to my heart, and a blog post began to form.

You see, as I thought about our Sissy, I began to wonder if maybe the feelings I was feeling were similar to what the birth moms of our sons feel on their birthdays.  Do they remember the day they gave birth?  Do they remember the first time they held them in their arms?  Do they remember the last day they looked in their sweet faces and said goodbye?  I'm sure they do...just as I remember Sissy.  I know she is with a family who loves her and who loves the Lord, so I'm not worried about her.  But, I still miss her.  In the case of our oldest two boys, their birth mom chose us to adopt them...at two separate times...so, she must know they are in good hands.  Our youngest was adopted after previously being our foster son, and yet, I think on some level his birth mom knows we are taking care of him as well.  It was a new perspective for me...to think about adoption from the other side.  I did not give birth to Sissy, but I loved her as much as if I had.  Losing her when the judge ruled in the other family's favor was like losing a child to death...and yet, I knew she was alive and would be fine in the family who would raise her.

Perspective is everything...I have always had a lot of respect for the birth moms who choose adoption when they realize they aren't ready to parent the child they gave birth to...but today, I understand a little bit more of what they most experience for the rest of their lives after the adoption is done.  💕

Not Blood Related But Still Family

He was only in my home a few months.  He probably doesn't even remember who I am.  He was just a baby.  Today, he's all grown up with a family of his own.  But, he still and will forever hold a special place in my heart.  His name is Michael.

Yesterday, tragedy struck.  A home fire claimed the life of his 3 year old son and his 4 month old daughter, with his middle child and girlfriend still fighting for their lives.  And my heart is broken.  I am grieving the loss of two children I never met.  Two children I will never meet this side of Heaven. Two children I consider my foster grandbabies.  I'm concerned for a child and his mother and am constantly praying for their healing.  I haven't seen Michael since he was a baby...but my love for him is every bit as strong as it was 20+ years ago.  My love for his girlfriend and their children is every bit as strong as if they were biologically related to me!

Foster children have a way of crawling into your heart and staying there forever.  Even if they are with you just a few days or months.  Even when going home is best.  Especially when they stay years.  Especially when you fear them going back home.  I am not a foster parent because I have some super natural ability to not get attached to the kids who enter my home.  I am every bit as attached to every single one as if I had given birth to them myself.  I wouldn't be a very good foster mom if I didn't.  And that attachment doesn't end just because a judge says my time to parent them is over.  I grieve the loss and hold them in my heart forever.  I pray for them when they come to mind.  My heart longs to find them someday.  Some, I've been blessed enough to be able to reconnect...at least through Facebook.  Michael is one of those.  He doesn't remember me, and that's ok, but I remember him and I love him & his family.  I remember those big blue eyes full of innocence looking to me for love and support and his head snuggled in my arms.  Those big blues are still there, and all three of his children were graced with them as well, but the innocence has been lost.  He's known more than his fair share of heartaches in his life.

He doesn't remember my arms cradling him or my lips kissing his sweet cheeks.  If not for his older sister, he wouldn't even remember my name or that I even existed.  But that's ok.  He's still my baby and I still love him.  And I will ask family and friends to love on him.  And I will do all I can to help him in his time of great need.  Because, well, I got attached.  And I never lost that attachment.  Never.

Even When It's Good, The Loss Is Still Real

This morning, I was reduced to tears by a single little Peppa Pig pink sneaker.  The tears came from a heart struggling with a mixture of very different, yet connected emotions...happy for a family reunited, sad for a very real loss that our family is dealing with right now.  Yesterday, two of our sweet foster babies, a 2 1/2 year old little girl (whom the shoe belongs to) and her 10 month old little brother, were reunited with their mom.  This young mom had done everything she was asked to do (and then some) in order to earn back the right to parent her children.  This has been one of the best success stories I have ever had the privilege to be a part of...and I couldn't be more thrilled for this reunited family!  In my heart of hearts, I know they will make it!  Are they perfect?  Well, no...but neither am I!  Will they still make mistakes, I'm sure they will...but who doesn't?  There's not a doubt in my mind that this mom loves her children enough to make whatever sacrifices she needs to make so that she's never separated from her children again until they go off to college!

And yet...the loss our family feels is as real as the loss someone feels over the death of a loved one.  We are not super human people who do not feel the pain.  The number one response I hear when people learn that we are foster parents is, "Oh!  I could NEVER do that...I would get too attached!"  Well, I'm here to tell you, we DO get attached...and that attachment doesn't end just because a judge says so.  Even if I'm totally 100% in support of them going back home.  Even when I know it's what's best for the kids.  Even then...my heart hurts from the loss I feel.  And I see the loss in my family, too.  I see my preteen hide under his headphones & refuse to come outside when the mom picks up the kids...and I know it's because he's afraid to cry over the loss he feels.  I recognize my 4 year old foster daughter's struggle to settle down & go to sleep is a reflection of the loss she's feeling now that her roommate is gone.  I see my 4 year old have a total meltdown and cling to me as if his very life depended on it when I drop him off at preschool this morning...and realize only after I walk out the front door that his antics might be related to the loss he's feeling.  I hear my 3 year old ask if "Smiley" (as we called the baby) is on a visit because that's been the norm for the last couple of months as we've moved toward reunification & he hasn't quite yet grasped the idea that they won't be back in a day or two...but I know that realization will come.   Yes, the loss is very real...and it's only because we DID get very attached to these precious children that we feel this loss.  But, no sympathy cards will be sent and no meals will be planned to help us through this loss because they were "just a couple of foster kids" - as if that means they weren't really part of our family to begin with.

But, let me share something with you...each child that enters our home very much becomes a part of our family...with every bit the love and excitement of a newborn baby!  Sure...there will be no showers of blessings, no celebrations of their lives, and no meals prepared to offset the stress of their arrival...but there will be arms wrapped around them in love, toys eagerly shared, invitations to go outside and play, and proclamations of their sibling status to anyone who will listen!  Soon, we will get yet another call and a new child/children will enter our home to fill the space left by these two who recently left.  I know without a shadow of doubt that they will be loved with abandon by every single member of our family!  I've seen it happen over and over with each new arrival.  As hard as it is when a child leaves our home, the joy a new foster sibling brings with their arrival, and the love that's shared while they are with us far outweigh the momentary pain we feel when they leave.

But more importantly than what we as a foster family go through as children flow in and out of our home, is the very real impact that we have the opportunity to make...not only on the child in our home, but on their biological family as well.  Each child who enters our home is met with immediate and unconditional love...for some of them, it's their first time experiencing that kind of love.  Some of them don't quite know how to accept that love...especially at first.  But, it usually doesn't take long for them to come to depend on that love...and even enjoy it.  To watch a child go from somber and sad to joyous and free is the best feeling in the world!  It's not always easy to make that transition, but it is always worth it!  For some of their parents, meeting the family who is doing what they couldn't (caring for their children) is a very intimidating and frustrating time.  Some of them avoid us, while others are surprised that we are there to love on them as well, rather than to judge them...and as they begin to trust us, they allow us to speak into their lives and share the love that Christ has so freely given to us.  We have an opportunity to mentor them, to love on them, and to come alongside them and help them be the parents they need (and often want) to be for their children.  When they accept this, as was the case of this most recent reunited family, it truly is a success story...the way this system is supposed to work!  And it makes every frustration we've experienced all worth while!

So...while this little left behind shoe brought tears of sadness over our loss this morning, they also brought tears of joy for the success story I was blessed to be a part of!  And just like my feelings for the little girl this shoe belongs to and her brother, a part of my heart wanted to hold on to this shoe forever...but a bigger part knew that it needed to be returned to its rightful owner, so I sent off a text message to the mom with the above picture to let her know I found the shoe.  ;)