Some weeks ago, a friend talked me into watching the TV show Once Upon A Time...but watching it from the beginning. It just so happens that Netflix has six seasons of said show, and so I went back to Season 1 and began binge watching this show that takes characters from familiar childhood tales and plants them in a semi-real world as average people, while also giving a bit of the back story to how they came to be who they were in the stories we know so well and how they ended up in a small town called Storybrooke. There was just something about these storybook characters being cast as average people that drew me in.
Why am I writing about this, you may wonder. Well, I'll tell you. As each episode unfolds, I am starting to realize there's a little bit of Storybrook in all of us! There's a bit of Snow White in every elementary school teacher, a touch of Jiminy Cricket in every counselor, and maybe even a dose of the Evil Queen in every politician. Then, as Season 1 came to a close, a back story for the Evil Queen revealed a time when she wasn't evil at all. She had a kind heart, much like Snow White. So, what happened? How did she become evil and why did she hate Snow White so much? Turns out it had very little to do with Snow's beauty and more to do with a secret she innocently let slip which lead to her soon-to-be step-mother's broken heart. The pain of what transpired eventually allowed an evil to set in and made the Evil Queen the character we all know in the fairy tale. In the event you haven't watched the show yet and want to, I won't ruin it with specifics here. ;)
After all, my point in writing this is not to give a review of a six year old TV episode. It's more about character and perceptions...and the back stories that lead up to the very perceptions of character we hold of different individuals in the foster care system. As someone looking into the foster care system from the outside (or even from the inside for that matter), you might perceive foster parents as "good" and bio parents whose actions resulted in their children ending up in foster care (and sometimes the foster kids themselves) as "bad" or "evil" - but it's just not that simple. We all have a story...and we all have choices to make.
Our pediatrician often says, "But by the grace of God, there go I." What she means by this is as horrible as the stories of these kids can get, and as hard as it is for us to understand why a parent would do this or that...it is only by the grace of God that we are not standing in their shoes and living their lives. We can never really judge a person's actions without fully knowing their heart. Only God can do that. It is not my place as a foster parent to judge the actions of others...my role as a foster parent is to love on the child, try to mentor the parent to do better (if they are willing), and share my experiences with the child and his/her birth parents to those charged with reporting to court on how the case is progressing. Whenever a new child is placed in my home, my first conversation with their parents is to assure them that I'm not trying to take their child away from them. I just want to love on their child and help them work on their case plan. Sometimes, the parents take me up on this...but sometimes they fight it. Those that fight it often have spent their life fighting. Many times, they were once foster children or spent their childhood in and out of the foster care system...and all they know is to fight.
But this applies to everyone...not just those involved in foster care. Hurts of the past...or even current hurts can cloud our judgement. Nothing is ever black and white. We see things through the filter of our past hurts and emotions...and sometimes those past hurts cause us to react in ways we otherwise might not. Going back to the Snow White scenario above, there's an episode that reveals that after Regina (a.k.a. the Evil Queen) does something deceptive, her mother tells her, "You're learning!" Shortly after that, her mother makes the comment "I'm so proud of you." and that comment gives Regina pause...almost as if that is the first time she's ever heard that phrase. And that's the moment, I believe, when the evil begins to take hold. Often times, a parent's words can have a profound affect on who we become!
So...what is my point in writing this? I guess just as a reminder to myself and anyone who might be reading this not to take things at face value. An unkind word from a friend may not really be directed at you, but rather comes from having been beaten down by someone or something in their life. An ugly post on social media might come from an unintentional hurt that was kept secret and allowed to fester until a following transgression became much bigger of a deal than it should have been. More importantly, no one is all good or all bad. We all make mistakes. We all say things we shouldn't have said. We all do things we wish we could have done differently. So...when you consider foster care and you think of the parents or the teenagers who seem so "bad" - remember, there's something in their past that is causing them to act the way they are...or maybe a current addiction that stems from something in their past. No one starts out thinking they will be a drug addict or child abuser. No mother looks at her newborn in the hospital and says, "One day you'll be a foster kid." They don't plan to do the wrong thing...but circumstances of their life led them to that. Maybe that mom in the hospital has an emotionally abusive husband/boyfriend at home and those drugs she's been taking are the only way she knows how to cope. Maybe that dad who does unthinkable things to his child had those same things done to him as a little boy and it never got reported. Maybe they've fought against these deamons but don't know how to get out from under them and are afraid to ask for help. They are no better or worse than we are...they just need help. So, let's help them. Let's show them a little Grace from our Heavenly Father (maybe introduce them to Him). Let's love on their kids and help break the cycle. Let's be the catalyst that stops evil from taking root in the next generation!
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