It Is Well

"When peace like a river attendeth my way, 

when sorrows like sea billows roll

whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say, 

it is well, it is well, with my soul."

This has long been a favorite hymn of mine, but never has it been so applicable as it has during my fostering journey.  Foster care is filled with many ups, downs, twists, turns, tunnels, and unexpected loops that literally turn your world upside down.  To say that this journey is not for the faint of heart us an understatement indeed. But if you take the risk of joining the ride and can hold on, you'll be amazed at how it will strengthen your faith in ways you never imagined!

There are days and weeks when the fostering journey is more like a river...moving along at a predictable speed and path. The days become almost normal as you follow your normal routine and maybe you forget about that bend up ahead that culminates in a waterfall dumping into an ocean of unknown.  You are enjoying the gentle ride of the familiar until all of a sudden, the path takes an unexpected turn.  A child shares a secret previously undisclosed.  You find out a birth mom of a current foster child is nearing the end of her pregnancy...and the caseworker wants to know if you would take the sibling.  A former foster child comes back into care and they want to know if you can make room for this child...or your heart breaks because you can't.  A family member is discovered and suddenly you are no longer needed.  A birth parent thinks they will get the upper hand in their case if they falsely accuse you of abuse and an investigator shows up at your door.  A birth parent you thought you were successfully mentoring suddenly disappears without a trace.  At one point or another in my fostering journey, each of these events has happened (sometimes more than once) and the sea billows begin to roll.

But just like when Jesus calmed the raging waves in the Bible, He calms my raging emotions that feel as powerful as a hurricane.  All I have to do is ask.  If I try to make sense of all this in my own strength and understanding, I come up short every time.  But if I remember that all is well, then God calms my emotional storm and restores my peace.  There may still be things I do not understand.  There may still be things I do not like.  But my emotions are no longer raging because a peace that passes all understanding suddenly takes over my soul and once again I can say, "It is well with my soul."  Romans 8:28 reminds us that all things work together for our good.  It does not say that all things will BE good.  In fact, in John 16:33, Jesus reminds us that we will experience trouble in this world.  But the good, the bad, and the ugly will all work together to the good that God has planned for us.  The troubles we face change us and remind us that we are not the center of the universe.  Troubles and trials, if we use these opportunities correctly, will drive us to our knees seeking God's plan.  When we follow that plan, we find peace.  With that peace, we realize that all really is well.

I Lost a Twin Bed (sortof)!

I'm not gonna lie...I was a tiny bit worried about hitting my 50-pound goal this week!  Usually, when I get that close to a big goal, I blow it.  So, as I looked through my closet to see what outfit I would wear to the weekly weigh-in, I made sure to select the lightest possible combo of clothing so as not to add any unnecessary weight to the scale!

In retrospect, I realize that I did take some very real steps to ensure my success.  For the first time in forever, I actually exercised more than once in a great while (3 times in the last week, to be exact)!  But then last night, I attended a support group meeting where there was some REALLY yummy food...and yeah, I indulged just a little more than I probably should have!  And that indulgence is exactly what had me doubting myself.  But before that indulgent meal, I took my Plexus Block.  So, it's a little bit of the tools I use and a little bit of my own determination to make this time different that is getting me where I need to be!

I was asked today if I am following the WW plan exactly.  The honest answer is no...at least not 100% of the time.  It is a tool I use to keep me accountable to make healthy eating choices in addition to using the Plexus products consistently.  BUT...once a week, I totally let loose!  After I weigh in on Tuesday mornings, I give myself permission to indulge in some of the things I've been denying myself.  This is another tool I created within the WW tool because I know myself well enough to know if I try to deny myself too long, I'm going to self-sabotage and give up.  So...I have one day a week that I can sort of go crazy.  To be honest, some Tuesdays, I realize that the thing I thought I'd have after weigh-in suddenly has lost its appeal...so I skip it, knowing that if I change my mind later, I can always get it the following Tuesday.  But on Wednesday, I'm back on track for the most part.  Again, it's a guideline...not a law book!  :)

So...when I weighed in this morning, I found that not only had I reached my 50-pound goal, but I had exceeded it!  I'm now at a grand total of 51.8 pounds lost!  I added this cute little charm to my WW reward collection today and was able to celebrate with the others at my meeting.  I've still got a lot to lose, but as long as I keep moving forward and using my tools of success, I know I'll get there!  :)

A Different Kind of Delivery Room

Tomorrow morning, we will go into a delivery room of sorts to have our fifth child.  However, I am not in labor.  Instead of a bed or tub for delivery, there will only be chairs.  I will be dressed up rather than wearing  a flimsy hospital gown.  The one who is responsible for the delivery wears a black robe rather than a white coat.  My other children will be in the room, as will my husband and others who love and support us.  It will be a beautiful day full of celebration!  But, the child I take home will not be a newborn...and she's already shared our home and experienced our love for well over a year!  Tomorrow, we will adopt the precious little girl that came to us at five days old and we dubbed our "Tiny Princess" because she is part Guatemalan (an ethnicity known for their small stature) and she reminds me of the Shakespearian quote, "though she be but little, she is fierce."

All of our children have come to us either through foster care or adoption...and sometimes, as is the case of our Tiny Princess and two others, both.  Sometimes, as I hear other moms talk about their experince with pregnancy and delivery, my heart aches just a bit.  I sometimes feel left out of the conversation because I lack a similar experience and feel I have nothing to add.  And yet, as I was talking with a friend this past weekend, I realized that I do have a birth story for each of my children.  I may not have physical labor pains, but I do have emotional ones.  I may not have had a baby shower or even a sprinkle for her, but people are making time in their schedules to come with us to our "delivery room" and celebrate the "birth" of another child added to our family.  I may not have ever been able to nurse her, but I have been nurturing her since she was five days old and will continue to do so as long as I am here on this earth.  The story of how each of our children joined our family is as varied and unique as they are...just as each biological child has his/her own birth story.  

So much of our society still defaults to biology as the only "real" way a family can be created, but biology is not always best.  I have two sons who have a birth mother that recognized her inability to provide for the boys she carried for nine months, gave birth to, and out of that realization, chose to place them in our family.  She sacrificed her selfish desires so that her boys could have a better life than what she could offer them.  We have had countless children in our home whose parents did not realize their inability to parent and had to have someone step in to protect the children.  Some of these children were able to be reunited with their parents, others went to live with a family member, and, as of tomorrow, three have become a permanent member of our family.  I have no more control over the length of time a child is in my home than a biological parent does, though most people don't think about it like that.  So many people tell me they could never be a foster parent because they couldn't love a child and let them go...but I think of so many families who have to do just that with their biological children.  Children who receive a fatal diagnosis or are fatally injured in an accident are proof that we never really know how long we will have with the children in our home.  A parent doesn't stop loving a child diagnosed with a fatal illness just because they might leave...at least not those I've known in that situation!  Sure, the odds are that a biological parent will be more likely to raise their child to adulthood than a foster parent will...but it is never a sure thing.    Those of us who chose to answer the call to foster care know that the likihood of us loving a child that might leave us is great...and yet, we choose to love them anyway.  We love them as our own.  We meet their physical, emotional, and spiritual needs as any good parent would.  We comfort them when they are sick or have fears, celebrate when they succeed, and do all the mundane things in between.  And we grieve them when they leave as any parent grieves the loss of a child.  Our heart aches for the child we loved and let go.  The only difference is we know that child is still out there somewhere...and we continue to pray for their wellbeing!  Sometimes, we get to know how they are doing...other times we don't.  But, whether they were with us a day, a few months, or years...they are our kids and we love them as such!  And sometimes...they get to stay!  :)

So, as I walk into the adoption delivery room (a.k.a. courtroom) tomorrow, I will be thankful for the days that God has already given us with our Tiny Princess and all of her siblings...and look forward to how ever many future days the Lord will allow.  I will be thankful for those who will go with me into that delivery room to celebrate with us, as well as those who wish to be there but have something that prevents them from being there in person...we know their thoughts and prayers are with us.  And I will be overjoyed that once again, God chose me to parent a child that needed the biology of another woman and my nurturing to become the person He created them to be.  I do not take this assignment lightly.  It is a blessing and an honor!  God is so good! 

A Broken Heart for A Broken System

All day on Sunday, my phone went off with an Amber Alert for a 2 year old little boy who was reportedly missing.  While I prayed that he would be found, I never expected the impact his story would have on me just a few days later as it flooded my Facebook feed.  This two year old little boy was a foster child.  At just six months old, he was declared dependent by the court and placed in the loving arms of his foster family.  This family loved on him as if he were their own flesh and blood for the next 16 months and were prepared to start the process for adoption when the court decided instead that he should be reunited with his mother.  For those of you who do not know, when a child is reunited to biological parent(s), there is supposed to be six months of follow-up visits by the case manager to be sure all is well.  I have no idea if any of that follow-up was done for little Jordan (it isn't always), but three months in, the little boy is dead and a nation is both outraged and grieving for this little boy.  Many are declaring this is the very reason why they can't be foster parents.  And I get that, I really do!

Foster care is HARD...even when it doesn't end like this, it is hard!  Kids of all ages come from all kinds of backgrounds, many with a slew of siblings, baggage that a suitcase can't hold...and maybe, just maybe, a garbage bag of belongings that was thrown together as the investigator was removing them from their home.  They are then placed in a home that they have NO IDEA is better, and quite honestly, seems far more scary than the one they left because at least they knew what to expect from their home of origin.  For the foster parents, a call for a new placement can totally disrupt plans already in place, and at the very least, makes things a little more awkward until everyone gets used to each other.  Last minute trips to the store usually need to be made for whatever that child might need that they don't have with them...whether that be clothes, underwear, pajamas, formula, diapers...or even a special kind of milk or different kind of hair products than what the rest of the family uses.  We do what is necessary to love on, care for, and cherish these children as if they were our own.  And yet, we are the very last considered when deciding what is best for the children we know better than anyone else in the system.  This thing we do is NOT for the faint of heart (or ego)!

Yes, fostering is hard...but it is also so very worthwhile and can be so rewarding!  For sixteen months of Jordan's short two years of life, he knew that he was loved.  He might not have remembered it if he had lived to adulthood, but I think on some level, he would have felt it.  He was well cared for.  He was loved.  HE WAS CHERISHED!!!  Shouldn't EVERY child have that?  Shouldn't everyone know that, if only for a short time, that they are loved???

As broken as the system is, it is still better than it used to be.  I started my fostering journey 20+ years ago when I was single and lived in Alabama.  During that time, a sibling group of three came into care.  The oldest (4) was placed with me.  Her 2 year old brother was in the hospital due to the physical abuse he suffered & joined us when he was released.  Their 8 month old brother was placed in a separate foster home, not because I didn't have room for him...but because the "system" felt it was better for the baby to have a two-parent foster home.  When the middle child disclosed to me what had happened to him and I shared it with the case manager, they tried to get him to say in front of a camera with people he didn't know what took him over a year to trust me enough to share!  At one point, adoption was discussed.  I was asked if I would be willing to adopt these precious children...and even though I was single and it would have been hard, I totally would have done it!  But, the court decided to send them home instead.  My input was never asked for or considered.  I was not even allowed to attend court, as I am now.

I maintained contact with these three as long as I could, but suddenly, all communication stopped and I feared the worst.  More than a decade and a half later, that oldest child found me on Facebook and we were reunited.  As I reconnected with her, I discovered that she and her brothers spent the rest of their childhood in and out of foster care.  And though she remembers living in my home and some of the things I taught her, her brothers do not.  They don't remember how much I loved them.  They don't remember the things I taught them.  And life is harder for them because they apparently never got that kind of love again....and they make choices that break my heart because my love for them goes as deep as any mother's love would.

So what then?  What needs to be done to fix this broken system?  I'll tell you one thing that needs to happen...MORE people need to get involved, not less!  It's one thing to see a news feed about a two year old boy you don't know or hear the heartbreak of a foster family you do know...and then a few months down the road, forget all about it.  I can guarantee you that Jordan's foster family will not forget him or their heartbreak...EVER!  I didn't.  When those three children left my home 20+ years ago, I never stopped praying for them.  I talked about them all the time.  I had dreams about them...sometimes dreams that had me waking up in tears.  They were as real to my husband before he met them as they are now that he has spent time with them.  When he found me in tears at my computer the day that the oldest found me on Facebook, he needed nothing more than a quick glance at her private message to know the cause of my tears...and that they were not sad tears, but tears of pure joy!  Joy that she remembered me.  Joy that she was able to find me.  Joy at finally being reconnected!  JOY!

As Christians, ALL of our hearts need to be broken over this broken system of foster care.  Not just the foster parents.  Not just those case managers, judges, and other staff who truly try to do what is in the best interest of the child but have their hands tied by bureaucracy and archaic laws...a law that sadly favors biology over true love and commitment and often what is truly in the best interest of the child!  THAT is what needs to change most!  And it's going to take someone who knows the system but isn't bound by it to fight for these kids!  But, for that to happen, MORE people need to get involved in foster care!!!

Does that mean I think everyone, or every Christian for that matter, should be foster parents?  Well, to be honest, I can't really answer that question for you.  That is between each Christian and God alone.  But in general, my answer would be no.  It takes real sacrifice to be a foster parent...sacrifice that not many people are willing to give.  Life is never normal...but then again, when did God ever call someone to a life of normal?  If you read the Bible, not one person who is mentioned by name lived a "normal" life...they each sacrificed SOMETHING.  Living the life God calls you to live is never easy, no matter what He calls you to do...but it is always BEST!  As much as we think we know what is best, He really DOES know!  He has a plan and He has seen the completion of that plan.  He knows the plans he has for us...plans for good and not evil, to give us a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11, paraphrased).  We should all long to follow His plan...but we don't always.  We may think we do, but our actions often betray our claims (mine included)!  ;)

Having said that, I do think every Christian could sacrifice something for the benefit of children in care, even if they are not called to become foster parents (at least not for now...you never know how God will change your heart).  There are so many needs that foster children and the families who serve them have that others could meet.  Many school-age foster kids are behind in schoolwork because education was not a priority for their parents and/or because they have moved around so much that it is hard to keep up.  Foster kids need mentors other than their foster parents to encourage and love on them...offer to partner with a foster family and love on their foster kids.  Kids who are a permanent part of a foster family (whether by birth or adoption) also have needs...don't leave them out when you do something special for the foster kids.  Foster parents need to be able to take time for themselves...offer to babysit for them and/or bless them financially so they can have the opportunity for a date night.  A new foster child, regardless of age, is just as time consuming (and often as exhausting) as a newborn baby...bring the family a meal!  The kids need advocates to speak for them in court...be a Guardian ad Litem (or CASA, depending on where you live).  Foster parents need friends who will listen to their hurts without hearing how you could never do what we do...because even though you call us "saints" we know we are not and sometimes it feels more like judgement than encouragement (we know you mean well, but it often makes us feel guilty for burdening you with our troubles and/or the behaviors of our children).  There are SO MANY things that you can do to support foster children and foster families!  What do YOU do well...ask a foster family you know (or contact an organization that supports foster families) if what you can do would be helpful!  I have a sweet friend who cuts and colors my hair without charging me.  I had a hard time accepting that at first (and never would have asked for it!)...but when she offered it to me, she said, "I can't be a foster parent right now, but I can do hair.  Please let me do this for you!"  How could I say no to that?  And what a HUGE blessing it is to me!!!

If Jordan's story touched you in any way, the most important thing you can do is get to know a foster family and the children they serve.  Put names and faces to the idea of foster care.  Don't let little Jordan's short life be in vain.  Get involved...whether that means being a foster parent, helping a foster child, or supporting a foster family.  EVERYONE can do SOMETHING!  Please do!

Hands Full...Heart Fuller

Probably the phrase I hear most when I'm out with the kids is, "Boy!  You sure have your hands full!"  Let's see...a fun-loving teenager, two busy five year olds, a four year old with impulse control issues, a 21 month old with special needs, and an active 8 month old.  Yep, I'm a busy momma that's for sure...and that doesn't even factor in the homeschooling, the taxi service I provide my kids, the church responsibilities, etc.  What's really funny is when someone says this phrase when I've only got 3 kids with me (usually the younger 3) and I just smile and say, "Nah...this is just half of them!" and watch their mouths drop open!  Bwahahahaha! 

But to be honest, there are days when my hands do feel a little too full, even for me.  There are days when six kids can be overwhelming.  When I haven't had a chance to attend Bible study for three weeks in a row because yet another child is sick...shoot, even when I just want to go to the bathroom alone for once!  I had it good when my oldest was an only...I just didn't know it!  From the time he was little, if  he respected my privacy.  I don't know how we instilled that in him, but it was great!  To this day, he won't enter a room if there's any chance I'm anything less than fully clothed!  The other five, not so much!  The four and five year olds will bring snacks and try to have a full-on conversation while I'm in the bathroom...that is, until I shoo them out and remind them that the bathroom is NOT an place for food for goodness sake! 

But as full as my hands are these days, my heart is that much fuller!  While there are days when I just want to get away by myself, I can't for even a moment consider life without these blessings that God has placed in our home...for however long He has given them to us!  I wouldn't want to because for all the work they cause, the blessings of having them in our family is that much greater!  Every morning, I get the best wake-up hugs anyone could ever ask for!  My little kids call my name and run to me like fans to a celebrity!  Tiny little hands caress my face and sweet little voices tell me, "I love you, Momma!"  Precious little bodies that were running wild a few minutes earlier snuggle up tight to me when they are tired.  Sharing inside jokes with my teenager and watching him love on the littles when they aren't into his stuff or aggravating him to death!  All of these are moments when my hands don't feel quite so full because my heart is oh so much fuller!

And someday...someday my hands will be less full.  And because of my oldest, I know that day will come all too soon!  I have less than a handful of years with him left.  All too soon, he will be considered an adult and making his own way in this life.  When that happens, my five year olds will be almost in double digits, my four year old right behind them...and the babies, well they won't be babies anymore.  There might be other babies in our home then...but these babies that we have in our home now, if they become permanent members of our family, will be almost school-age and certainly more independent of me than they are now!  It's weird to think of my life in that time...and even weirder to think how close that day is!  But the thing about that day when my hands become less full than they are now is that my heart will never be any less full than it is right now!  And I couldn't ask for anything better!

We Are Not Promised Tomorrow

Probably the biggest opposition I hear to foster care is that they could never let the children go because they would get too attached.  And it's true, the hardest part of foster care is getting attached to these sweet kids with the knowledge that someday, if the system works the way it should, they will leave.  But, as I consider the school shootings that are becoming common-place these days, I realize children who have been born or adopted into our families are no more promised tomorrow than foster children. 

I have no one leaving my home now.  In fact, I now have four of my six children that I consider "permanent."  Last night, I attended an event for our licensing agency and one of the board members saw me come in with my double stroller and three active preschoolers circling me and asked if they were all mine.  I'm sure we looked like the circus had rolled into town!  Now, my usual response to this question is a simple "yes" because I do see them as all mine.  But, given the nature of the event I was attending, I qualified that with, "Yes, but some are permanent, and some are not."  I think she understood what I was saying, at least I hope so. 

While it is possible that either of my foster children could leave my home at any time, I don't focus on that in the day to day any more than I do with my adopted children.  Because, quite honestly, any one of them could be taken from me at any moment as well.  My thirteen year old son attends a homeschool co-op for some of his classes.  My five year old son attends a public charter school.  My five year old daughter (four months younger than my son which put her a school year behind) attends a private preschool.  All of my children attend church with us, but in different classes.  Just like the families that sent their children off to school one morning and that afternoon were unexpectedly planning their funerals the following day...or the countless parents who unexpectedly receive a fatal diagnosis from their child's doctor...or any number of other catastrophic things that could happen, I am not promised tomorrow with any of my children.  I can do all I can to protect them...but I have no guarantee that any of them will be with me tomorrow.

So, why not take a chance to love a child who could leave?  Why not answer the call to love on hurting babies, toddlers, children, and/or teens who need you?  I'm not gonna say it's easy because it's not.  Taking these children into your home disrupts your regular routine, affects the way people see you, and catapults you out of your comfort zone like nobody's business!  But, seeing these kids bond to you and your family, learning to trust where trust had been broken, realizing that for the time they are in your home, these kids (and their parents, if they are willing) can discover what a loving family looks like...possibly breaking a cycle of abuse and/or neglect that goes back more generations than anyone can count...that's what makes this whole thing called foster care worthwhile!  That's not to say everyone can be a foster parent...there are circumstances and family situations that make that impossible...but for the vast majority of us, it is a possibility!  All you need to do is to open your heart and risk it getting hurt.  It doesn't have to be forever...it could be just for a season.  And you don't have to have six kids in your home, either!  You can foster just one child at a time if that's what works best for your family!  Becoming a foster parent won't change the world...but for the child or children in your home, you could change their whole world! 

Book Covers Don't Always Tell The Story

It's been said that you shouldn't judge a book by its cover or you could just miss out on an amazing story!  The same could be said for foster children!  Last night, a desperate plea went out to all licensed foster homes looking for a placement for a young teenage girl who was being released from a mental institution after being "baker acted" - a scary thought for even the bravest of foster parents!  There's such a stigma attached to those who receive psychiatric and/or counseling services (whether they do that willingly or are forced into it due to some sort of intervention).  No one thinks twice about someone with a heart condition going to see cardiologist or a cancer patient going to an oncologist.  These are expected, and even encouraged!  But, if someone mentions that they are depressed or having irrational thoughts, they are told to just get over it.  You'd never tell someone suffering a heart attack to stop being so dramatic or a cancer patient to just think well thoughts.  You'd tell them to seek out medical professionals that could actually help them...and you would rally around them to help in any way you could! 

On the other hand, if someone is actually brave enough not only to admit that they are experiencing  depression or irrational thoughts, but actually seek medical intervention to help them, they are told they are crazy and people back off...which is why so many people who actually need help fight against it!  The thought of someone having a mental disorder makes us all take pause...yes, even me.  My response to the the text last night was that we had no bed space and I felt an immediate sense of relief...and guilt, as I sent that message!  It was true that we didn't have a permanent bed for this young girl, but we did have a pull-out sofa that would have sufficed for a night or two until they could get her settled somewhere more permanent.  Last May, when we had the same number of children in our home as we currently have, we made make-shift bed space for three consecutive nights for a couple of brothers who were waiting on a permanent foster home to be licensed.  As soon as my reply text was sent last night, those brothers came to mind and I was ashamed that I had so quickly written off this young girl.  I asked no questions about why she was there or if she would possibly be a danger to any of the children currently in my home.  I just assumed she could be.  See, folks...I am NOT a saint!  I am just like every other mother who loves her kids and wants to protect them! 

Through a curious turn of events, I actually got a chance to meet this young girl today...and immediately realized how wrong I was to write her off so quickly!  While I don't know her whole story (and probably never will), I do know that what I saw today was a beautiful, kind, precious child of God who really needed someone to love on her!  I asked her name and when she told me, it was a beautiful and unusual name...the kind that should be in a song!  When I commented on the beauty of her name, her lips cautiously curved upward...wanting to smile, but almost as if they were afraid to do so.  Her dark eyes revealed a pain I will never know and never understand...yet, my simple compliment brought a brief sparkle to them.  Had you met her at church or in a store, "crazy" would never cross your mind...and I was instantly ashamed to admit to myself that it had indeed crossed mine the night before.  She was so kind and gentle with my children & spoke to me with respect...a little shy, but still engaged.  I desperately wanted to reach out and hug her, but restrained myself for fear of crossing some unknown boundary and causing her to feel uncomfortable. 

That's the thing with foster children.  They often get labeled with scary titles before you even get a chance to know the story behind those titles.  Sure...there are some kids who are dangerous...usually the result of years of torture and neglect, but I have learned that they are not the majority.  Most of these kids have seen and lived things we could never understand...but in almost every single one of them, there's a frightened little boy or girl buried deep inside just begging you to find them & love on them!