A Different Kind of Delivery Room

Tomorrow morning, we will go into a delivery room of sorts to have our fifth child.  However, I am not in labor.  Instead of a bed or tub for delivery, there will only be chairs.  I will be dressed up rather than wearing  a flimsy hospital gown.  The one who is responsible for the delivery wears a black robe rather than a white coat.  My other children will be in the room, as will my husband and others who love and support us.  It will be a beautiful day full of celebration!  But, the child I take home will not be a newborn...and she's already shared our home and experienced our love for well over a year!  Tomorrow, we will adopt the precious little girl that came to us at five days old and we dubbed our "Tiny Princess" because she is part Guatemalan (an ethnicity known for their small stature) and she reminds me of the Shakespearian quote, "though she be but little, she is fierce."

All of our children have come to us either through foster care or adoption...and sometimes, as is the case of our Tiny Princess and two others, both.  Sometimes, as I hear other moms talk about their experince with pregnancy and delivery, my heart aches just a bit.  I sometimes feel left out of the conversation because I lack a similar experience and feel I have nothing to add.  And yet, as I was talking with a friend this past weekend, I realized that I do have a birth story for each of my children.  I may not have physical labor pains, but I do have emotional ones.  I may not have had a baby shower or even a sprinkle for her, but people are making time in their schedules to come with us to our "delivery room" and celebrate the "birth" of another child added to our family.  I may not have ever been able to nurse her, but I have been nurturing her since she was five days old and will continue to do so as long as I am here on this earth.  The story of how each of our children joined our family is as varied and unique as they are...just as each biological child has his/her own birth story.  

So much of our society still defaults to biology as the only "real" way a family can be created, but biology is not always best.  I have two sons who have a birth mother that recognized her inability to provide for the boys she carried for nine months, gave birth to, and out of that realization, chose to place them in our family.  She sacrificed her selfish desires so that her boys could have a better life than what she could offer them.  We have had countless children in our home whose parents did not realize their inability to parent and had to have someone step in to protect the children.  Some of these children were able to be reunited with their parents, others went to live with a family member, and, as of tomorrow, three have become a permanent member of our family.  I have no more control over the length of time a child is in my home than a biological parent does, though most people don't think about it like that.  So many people tell me they could never be a foster parent because they couldn't love a child and let them go...but I think of so many families who have to do just that with their biological children.  Children who receive a fatal diagnosis or are fatally injured in an accident are proof that we never really know how long we will have with the children in our home.  A parent doesn't stop loving a child diagnosed with a fatal illness just because they might leave...at least not those I've known in that situation!  Sure, the odds are that a biological parent will be more likely to raise their child to adulthood than a foster parent will...but it is never a sure thing.    Those of us who chose to answer the call to foster care know that the likihood of us loving a child that might leave us is great...and yet, we choose to love them anyway.  We love them as our own.  We meet their physical, emotional, and spiritual needs as any good parent would.  We comfort them when they are sick or have fears, celebrate when they succeed, and do all the mundane things in between.  And we grieve them when they leave as any parent grieves the loss of a child.  Our heart aches for the child we loved and let go.  The only difference is we know that child is still out there somewhere...and we continue to pray for their wellbeing!  Sometimes, we get to know how they are doing...other times we don't.  But, whether they were with us a day, a few months, or years...they are our kids and we love them as such!  And sometimes...they get to stay!  :)

So, as I walk into the adoption delivery room (a.k.a. courtroom) tomorrow, I will be thankful for the days that God has already given us with our Tiny Princess and all of her siblings...and look forward to how ever many future days the Lord will allow.  I will be thankful for those who will go with me into that delivery room to celebrate with us, as well as those who wish to be there but have something that prevents them from being there in person...we know their thoughts and prayers are with us.  And I will be overjoyed that once again, God chose me to parent a child that needed the biology of another woman and my nurturing to become the person He created them to be.  I do not take this assignment lightly.  It is a blessing and an honor!  God is so good! 

A Broken Heart for A Broken System

All day on Sunday, my phone went off with an Amber Alert for a 2 year old little boy who was reportedly missing.  While I prayed that he would be found, I never expected the impact his story would have on me just a few days later as it flooded my Facebook feed.  This two year old little boy was a foster child.  At just six months old, he was declared dependent by the court and placed in the loving arms of his foster family.  This family loved on him as if he were their own flesh and blood for the next 16 months and were prepared to start the process for adoption when the court decided instead that he should be reunited with his mother.  For those of you who do not know, when a child is reunited to biological parent(s), there is supposed to be six months of follow-up visits by the case manager to be sure all is well.  I have no idea if any of that follow-up was done for little Jordan (it isn't always), but three months in, the little boy is dead and a nation is both outraged and grieving for this little boy.  Many are declaring this is the very reason why they can't be foster parents.  And I get that, I really do!

Foster care is HARD...even when it doesn't end like this, it is hard!  Kids of all ages come from all kinds of backgrounds, many with a slew of siblings, baggage that a suitcase can't hold...and maybe, just maybe, a garbage bag of belongings that was thrown together as the investigator was removing them from their home.  They are then placed in a home that they have NO IDEA is better, and quite honestly, seems far more scary than the one they left because at least they knew what to expect from their home of origin.  For the foster parents, a call for a new placement can totally disrupt plans already in place, and at the very least, makes things a little more awkward until everyone gets used to each other.  Last minute trips to the store usually need to be made for whatever that child might need that they don't have with them...whether that be clothes, underwear, pajamas, formula, diapers...or even a special kind of milk or different kind of hair products than what the rest of the family uses.  We do what is necessary to love on, care for, and cherish these children as if they were our own.  And yet, we are the very last considered when deciding what is best for the children we know better than anyone else in the system.  This thing we do is NOT for the faint of heart (or ego)!

Yes, fostering is hard...but it is also so very worthwhile and can be so rewarding!  For sixteen months of Jordan's short two years of life, he knew that he was loved.  He might not have remembered it if he had lived to adulthood, but I think on some level, he would have felt it.  He was well cared for.  He was loved.  HE WAS CHERISHED!!!  Shouldn't EVERY child have that?  Shouldn't everyone know that, if only for a short time, that they are loved???

As broken as the system is, it is still better than it used to be.  I started my fostering journey 20+ years ago when I was single and lived in Alabama.  During that time, a sibling group of three came into care.  The oldest (4) was placed with me.  Her 2 year old brother was in the hospital due to the physical abuse he suffered & joined us when he was released.  Their 8 month old brother was placed in a separate foster home, not because I didn't have room for him...but because the "system" felt it was better for the baby to have a two-parent foster home.  When the middle child disclosed to me what had happened to him and I shared it with the case manager, they tried to get him to say in front of a camera with people he didn't know what took him over a year to trust me enough to share!  At one point, adoption was discussed.  I was asked if I would be willing to adopt these precious children...and even though I was single and it would have been hard, I totally would have done it!  But, the court decided to send them home instead.  My input was never asked for or considered.  I was not even allowed to attend court, as I am now.

I maintained contact with these three as long as I could, but suddenly, all communication stopped and I feared the worst.  More than a decade and a half later, that oldest child found me on Facebook and we were reunited.  As I reconnected with her, I discovered that she and her brothers spent the rest of their childhood in and out of foster care.  And though she remembers living in my home and some of the things I taught her, her brothers do not.  They don't remember how much I loved them.  They don't remember the things I taught them.  And life is harder for them because they apparently never got that kind of love again....and they make choices that break my heart because my love for them goes as deep as any mother's love would.

So what then?  What needs to be done to fix this broken system?  I'll tell you one thing that needs to happen...MORE people need to get involved, not less!  It's one thing to see a news feed about a two year old boy you don't know or hear the heartbreak of a foster family you do know...and then a few months down the road, forget all about it.  I can guarantee you that Jordan's foster family will not forget him or their heartbreak...EVER!  I didn't.  When those three children left my home 20+ years ago, I never stopped praying for them.  I talked about them all the time.  I had dreams about them...sometimes dreams that had me waking up in tears.  They were as real to my husband before he met them as they are now that he has spent time with them.  When he found me in tears at my computer the day that the oldest found me on Facebook, he needed nothing more than a quick glance at her private message to know the cause of my tears...and that they were not sad tears, but tears of pure joy!  Joy that she remembered me.  Joy that she was able to find me.  Joy at finally being reconnected!  JOY!

As Christians, ALL of our hearts need to be broken over this broken system of foster care.  Not just the foster parents.  Not just those case managers, judges, and other staff who truly try to do what is in the best interest of the child but have their hands tied by bureaucracy and archaic laws...a law that sadly favors biology over true love and commitment and often what is truly in the best interest of the child!  THAT is what needs to change most!  And it's going to take someone who knows the system but isn't bound by it to fight for these kids!  But, for that to happen, MORE people need to get involved in foster care!!!

Does that mean I think everyone, or every Christian for that matter, should be foster parents?  Well, to be honest, I can't really answer that question for you.  That is between each Christian and God alone.  But in general, my answer would be no.  It takes real sacrifice to be a foster parent...sacrifice that not many people are willing to give.  Life is never normal...but then again, when did God ever call someone to a life of normal?  If you read the Bible, not one person who is mentioned by name lived a "normal" life...they each sacrificed SOMETHING.  Living the life God calls you to live is never easy, no matter what He calls you to do...but it is always BEST!  As much as we think we know what is best, He really DOES know!  He has a plan and He has seen the completion of that plan.  He knows the plans he has for us...plans for good and not evil, to give us a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11, paraphrased).  We should all long to follow His plan...but we don't always.  We may think we do, but our actions often betray our claims (mine included)!  ;)

Having said that, I do think every Christian could sacrifice something for the benefit of children in care, even if they are not called to become foster parents (at least not for now...you never know how God will change your heart).  There are so many needs that foster children and the families who serve them have that others could meet.  Many school-age foster kids are behind in schoolwork because education was not a priority for their parents and/or because they have moved around so much that it is hard to keep up.  Foster kids need mentors other than their foster parents to encourage and love on them...offer to partner with a foster family and love on their foster kids.  Kids who are a permanent part of a foster family (whether by birth or adoption) also have needs...don't leave them out when you do something special for the foster kids.  Foster parents need to be able to take time for themselves...offer to babysit for them and/or bless them financially so they can have the opportunity for a date night.  A new foster child, regardless of age, is just as time consuming (and often as exhausting) as a newborn baby...bring the family a meal!  The kids need advocates to speak for them in court...be a Guardian ad Litem (or CASA, depending on where you live).  Foster parents need friends who will listen to their hurts without hearing how you could never do what we do...because even though you call us "saints" we know we are not and sometimes it feels more like judgement than encouragement (we know you mean well, but it often makes us feel guilty for burdening you with our troubles and/or the behaviors of our children).  There are SO MANY things that you can do to support foster children and foster families!  What do YOU do well...ask a foster family you know (or contact an organization that supports foster families) if what you can do would be helpful!  I have a sweet friend who cuts and colors my hair without charging me.  I had a hard time accepting that at first (and never would have asked for it!)...but when she offered it to me, she said, "I can't be a foster parent right now, but I can do hair.  Please let me do this for you!"  How could I say no to that?  And what a HUGE blessing it is to me!!!

If Jordan's story touched you in any way, the most important thing you can do is get to know a foster family and the children they serve.  Put names and faces to the idea of foster care.  Don't let little Jordan's short life be in vain.  Get involved...whether that means being a foster parent, helping a foster child, or supporting a foster family.  EVERYONE can do SOMETHING!  Please do!