Balance...Is It Possible?

So...I was having a texting conversation with a friend recently and said something about balance and she replied, "Such GREAT wisdom!!!!!  You should blog it!"  Well, what's a girl to do?  ;)  So here I am...blogging it.

To give you a little background, we were talking about my crazy life and how it totally caused me to forget she had something for me.  And my life is crazy.  I have six kids in my home right now...five of them under the age of five!  My oldest is 12...the rest are 4, 3, 2, 2, and 6 months.  Four boys, two girls.  Three permanently ours, one is a foster child who will most likely become ours, and the other two are brother/sister foster children headed toward reunification & I'm doing my best to mentor their bio mom, who was a foster child herself and has no support system.  Oh...and that twelve year old, yeah...I'm homeschooling him.  The 4 year old decided he wanted to "GO to school" so he's in VPK (Voluntary Pre Kindergarten - a program that allows children to attend PK4 at a school of their parents' choosing free of charge, regardless of parental income).  This means I have to drop him off and pick him up from his VPK class (which requires loading everyone one up in the car and then unloading them...well, you get the picture).  And as is the case with foster children, there are visits with bio parents, case managers, Guardian ad Litems, etc. to arrange.  Not to mention doctor visits (including ones requested by a bio parent that are really unnecessary but the case manager emails you to ask you to take them anyway so now you must), extra curricular activities, church responsibilities, and so forth!  So yeah...my life needs balance...or so I thought until this particular conversation.  My friend told me she gave up on finding balance.  That it "is a fake illusion society feeds us."  She called it "unrealistic," a "Fairy world" and said she wasn't sure we should have balance...that "we should have a reckless abandon for Christ."  That's when it hit me!  And I responded with this: 

I guess the only way to have "balance" is to not do the things God called you to do!  I know my life would be a whole lot simpler if I wasn't doing foster care or homeschooling my children (notice I said simpler...NOT better!).  But I don't think saying "No" to God is an option (at least for me)...so I will live my crazy unbalanced life & thank Him for it!

Now, quite honestly, I didn't even realize I said anything that profound (and maybe you are scratching your head wondering what's so profound about it yourself).  Quite honestly, I was tired.  It had been a long frustrating day and I shot off the first thing that came to mind.  But now that my friend took the time to tell me I should blog it, I've had a chance to look back at it and really start to process what I said.

Sure...if I gave up fostering (I'm NOT...at least not until God tells me I'm done!), that would remove a LOT of the aggravation in my life!  No court dates to attend.  No visits to work my schedule around (or rearrange my schedule because they changed the visit schedule AGAIN!).  No bio parents causing me grief because they think making me look bad will bring their children back, totally ignoring the cause their children were removed from them in the first place.  No monthly visits to my home by an assortment of people assigned to the foster children in my home.  No frustrating behaviors being passed from the revolving door of children living with me temporarily to the children I'm permanently responsible for raising.  No phone calls asking if I can take just one more when our home already looks like the little old woman in the shoe lives there!

BUT...if I gave up fostering,  I would also miss the moment a child who has suffered more loss, neglect, or abuse than I can even begin to imagine looks at me and asks if she can call me Mom, almost fearful I'll tell her no.  I would miss loving on the babies and drinking in their sweet newness (not to mention buying & dressing them in those cute little tiny clothes!).  I would miss out on seeing a child so bound up in anger find a way to let go of the rage his biological family inflicted on him because he was "just [their] whipping boy" and watch him blossom into a joy-filled child!  I would miss having the opportunity to invite lost biological parents to church - something they see as simply a bonus visit with their kids, but has the potential to be so much more!  I would miss the chorus of little voices calling "MOMMY!" as they run toward me like I was a celebrity and throw their little pudgy arms around me as if they haven't seen me in forever, when it's only been a few short hours while they slept.

Sure...if I gave up homeschooling (again...I'm NOT until God tells me I'm done!), that would remove some of the arguments between me and my oldest son.  I could simply say, "Do your homework or face the consequences with your teacher and your grades" and move on my merry way.  I would have HOURS of free time that is now devoted to lesson planning, teaching, researching, and nagging said preteen to get his work DONE!  I could send everyone off to school and daycare and look for a part-time job so that our finances wouldn't be so tight.  I could actually go to lunch with a friend without stressing over how many children I'd have to take with me and wondering if it would be worth it!

BUT...if I gave up homeschooling, I would miss out on conversations with my preteen that happen spontaneously from the lessons in his curriculum that never would have happened if he were in school eight hours of the day only to come home to do hours more of homework.  I would have missed out on him finding joy in reading when I let him read books of interest to him rather than just books designed to teach kids to read.  I wouldn't have the privilege of doing read alouds with my middle school age child because days spent surrounded by public school peers might convince him that was just for "babies."  I might miss out on an opportunity to talk about heart issues that might otherwise go unnoticed and left unchecked until it was a much bigger deal.

It's just not worth it to me to trade in the opportunity of loving on children in some of the hardest times of their lives or getting a front row seat in the education of my children for a little less crazy in my life.  There's a famous saying that God doesn't give you any more than you can handle.  Well, I'm here to tell you that's totally false!  He's given me WAY more than I could ever handle on my own...it's what reminds me to lean on His strength.  On my own, I'm weak and unable to do most of what He has given me to do...especially love on these littles with an unguarded heart, knowing full well that my heart will break when they have to leave my home.  I can't do that.  I'm not that strong.  But you know what?  God does it through me.  Every time a child leaves my home...whether I agree with it or not, my heart breaks into a million pieces.  Left to my own devices, I would melt into a puddle on the floor and cry inconsolably for days, maybe months or even years.  I wouldn't be able to pull myself up and move on with my life.  Thankfully, I don't have to.  God picks up every one of those million pieces of my heart and sets them back together, lifting me up in the process and preparing me for the next child that needs my love.  This doesn't mean I don't grieve.  Oh...I do!  Boy, do I grieve!!!  Tears are shed every single time.  Usually the "ugly cry" type of tears.  And sometimes those tears do continue for days because some cases cause more grief than others.  But then I get another call about another child that needs a safe, loving home to go to...and my arms & heart open wide to receive them.  And because of God, I am able to do this over and over.

So no, I may never find "balance" in my life...at least not the balance that the world talks about.  But then again, balance of this world doesn't really bring glory to God.  It brings a self-fulfilling peace. And while that may sound wonderful, I'm here to tell you that the peace that passes all understanding I receive from my Heavenly Father as He asks me to do the hard things is so much better!  I may never be living on Easy Street...but some day, I hope to be walking streets of gold while hearing my Heavenly Father tell me, "Well done, My good and faithful servant."

Thy Will Be Done

"My God is so BIG, so STRONG, and so MIGHTY...there's NOTHING my God cannot do...FOR YOU!"

My four year old has been singing this song a lot lately because they sing it in his preschool class.  I got to thinking about that today and realized what God has been teaching me over the last few months.  Just because God CAN do something does NOT mean he will!

As many of you know, back in March we picked up a newborn baby girl from the hospital that we quickly dubbed "Sissy" because she was the biological half-sister of our youngest son.  He had been our foster child prior to us adopting him the previous November and now he is ours...or as we like to say, he's stuck with us!  We had hopes of adopting his little sister as well, given the track record of their birth mom.  However, three short months later, we found out the Guardian ad Litem (GAL - someone who is supposed to be looking out for the best interest of the CHILD) told the biological parents how they could circumvent the system and have Sissy adopted privately by a family member who lives several states away.

Needless to say, we were heartbroken.  And though we have never fought a decision for one of our foster children before, we felt we needed to fight for the sibling connection.  Not only does this little girl have a brother she shared a home with, but she also has two brothers who were previously adopted by friends of ours and we've made a point of keeping the siblings connected.  So, we researched the laws, asked everyone we knew to pray, and presented our case to the judge.  We were asking God to move a huge mountain we could not move...and we certainly had at least mustard seed faith!  So, I was seriously hopeful that a miracle would happen in that courtroom and Sissy would come home with us.  No miracle occurred & we went home with empty arms.  She was immediately placed in her pre-adoptive home.

So...what happened?  Was God not able to move that mountain?  Was He really not so big and mighty after all?  Though I knew full well He was every bit as big and mighty and able to move any mountain He saw fit to move as He was before I went in that courtroom, I begged Him for answers! I wanted to know why He didn't move MY mountain! Sometimes my begging wasn't quite so reverent as it should be.  Sometimes I was downright angry with Him...and I told Him so!  No need to hide it...He already knew, might as well be honest.  And you know what?  My God is big and mighty enough to handle my anger, my frustrations, my questions, and even my temper tantrums when things don't quite go my way!  And it doesn't change the fact that His ways are higher than mine, either!

We left for vacation the day after Sissy left us.  It was a trip that had already been planned due to a work conference my hubby needed to attend.  It was good timing.  And God knew when the trip was planned months before that we would need to get away at that exact moment and He knew exactly why.  Getting away allowed me time to heal without the constant reminders of what we had lost.  Getting away helped me focus on what was most important...the children still in our family that God had placed there by adoption and/or foster care.  Getting away helped me move forward faster than I ever would have been able to otherwise.

While we were gone, I kept getting emails about a 4 month old boy that needed respite care or possibly a placement with his 2 1/2 year old sister, who was at the time in a different foster home than his placement.  They wanted to place them together.  I kept saying no.  Not because I didn't want to take him.  Not because I was giving up foster care (though the thought did cross my mind several times).  But because we already had 3 boys in the house - all sharing the same bedroom.  There simply was no more room for a boy...except in our bedroom.  Under current licensing rules, a baby under the age of a year can sleep in a crib in the same room as an adult.  So, technically, we COULD take him...at least for 8 months, until his first birthday.  But I feared what would happen to him if he wasn't reunified within those 8 months.  I did not want him to get to be a year old and then have to disrupt him (and potentially his sister) again because we didn't have a place other than our bedroom to put him.  So I said no.  THREE TIMES I said no to this little boy (sound familiar?  I think I may have heard the rooster crow on the 3rd no...or at least I probably should have, given the Bible story where someone else denied someone three times!).

Finally, I gave in to taking the little guy for respite, but promised nothing more.  So, for three weeks, this little guy became a part of our family.  As it turns out, he is just 4 days younger than Sissy, born on my oldest son's 12th birthday.  We dubbed him "Smiley" because he smiles ALL THE TIME (unless, of course, he's hungry, tired, or in need of a diaper change)!  Well, at some point in that 3 week respite Smiley's regular foster parent got accepted to graduate school in Miami, which would mean she could no longer foster Smiley or the other children in her care.  Again, we were asked about taking him as a placement.  And again, I reminded the placement coordinator of our concerns, which had not changed.  It wasn't exactly a no...I was wearing down.  But, before I had to officially decide, the other foster mom decided to wait on graduate school a year.  So, when she returned from her trip, we returned Smiley to her and figured it was done.

But...once again, God had other plans!  A week or so after returning Smiley to his other foster mom, I got yet another call from the placement coordinator asking me to take him as a placement.  Things had changed once again for his other foster mom and she needed to take a break from fostering.  This time, I simply said yes, even as I weakly reminded the placement coordinator of our concerns about him turning a year old and having to be moved again.

Now, before I go on, I feel I need to say two things.  One...most GALs are very good volunteers who really do have the best interest of the child at heart, including Sissy's.  I think she let some personal prejudices cloud her judgement in this case, but overall she was a good GAL to both Sissy and her brothers (we adopted one and friends of ours adopted two others).  Two...the placement coordinator has NEVER been this insistent on me taking a child before (that should have been my first clue this was God's doing...but my own grief and personal feelings got in the way of what God was trying to do).  If you are considering fostering, please don't see this as the norm or a reason to avoid doing what God is calling you to do.  They do NOT force you to take a child you don't feel able to care for...EVER!  I have a great relationship with the placement coordinator and there have been times when she has presented me with a case where I didn't feel it would be a good fit, and she's totally respected that decision.  I believe the ONLY reason I kept getting presented with this case as a possible placement is because God Himself wanted these children in our home for a very specific reason!  And I am just now beginning to understand that reason.

It's not often we get a glimpse of God's plan book...and almost always we see it in hindsight when we do get that glimpse!  Or at least that's the way it's been for me.  There have been times when I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that a decision was what God had planned for me even though I didn't totally understand why...and most often it didn't make sense at the time.  Those are the ones where I have received abundant blessings for my blind obedience!  But most often, I have no clue why He allows what He does until I look back and am able to trace His hand.  This was one of those times.

You see, if we had been allowed to adopt Sissy, we would not have been able to take Smiley or his sister (yes, she's with us, too) as a placement because we would not have had enough beds or spaces in the car for them.  And I would not have had the opportunity to mentor their mom.  I am now confident that is exactly why God allowed Sissy to be adopted by someone else, another Christian family, and why she couldn't be mine.  God had a greater purpose.  Smiley's mom has no support system...but she's totally open to advice of others that will help her be a better mom.  She has come to church with us and I invited her to join our MOPS (Mothers Of PreSchoolers) group.  Her response when I invited her to MOPS was, "I don't know what that is...but if it will help me be a better person or a better mom, I'm all for it!"  My heart swells with joy as I watch the progress this young woman has made...how much she loves her kids...and how she's determined to make a better life for them!  I would have missed all of that if I had gotten MY will in Sissy's case.  So, with greater understand, I can release my grief over losing Sissy and say confidently to my Heavenly Father - not MY will, but THY will be done!  :)